Will AI replace the relationship in therapy?

In an age where we’ve become comfortable sharing our most private thoughts with AI machines, I’d like to build a case for choosing a therapy relationship with another living, breathing human being.

Firstly, of course, all of us need to feel that our thoughts and feelings make sense. We all need validation. We need to feel listened to, responded to. We all need to feel that we matter.

These very human needs – to share ourselves, and to get something back that affirms us - become especially important when parts of our lives feel painful or difficult.

Talking with AI about our innermost experiences can feel enormously reassuring and validating. AI tools are also surprisingly good at spotting patterns and sharing their observations clearly with us. AI offers a sophisticated level of affirmation that can feel very supportive, at least superficially.

Furthermore, if depending on other human beings has never felt very safe or wise for us, or if supportive relationships are not available to us, AI can be a reliable and comforting option.

I don’t want to dismiss any of this.

But there are huge parts of a therapy relationship that AI cannot, and I think never will, replace. These factors are at the heart of schema therapy.

Let me talk about just two of them.

Schema therapy is about building a new relationship whose whole purpose is to heal the wounds caused by other relationships that have harmed you. 

For example, perhaps you were emotionally neglected growing up. Your feelings and needs were never of much interest to your mum or your dad.

Or maybe their attention was always somewhere else; on an unwell or demanding sibling, for example, or focused on their work.

Or your parent had a mental health problem or addiction and could not really be there for you emotionally in the way that every child needs.

Whatever the pathway, you learned early on that your feelings and needs weren’t important, or that your emotions simply inconvenienced other people.

If responsive, warm, attentive care was absent from your early years, then the schema therapy relationship focuses specifically on providing this essential missing ingredient, as much as is possible.

We start to treat your inner world as something that does matter and can be shared.

The therapy relationship pays close attention to your moment-to-moment feelings, understanding them and offering you back a response that is heartfelt, real and meaningful (i.e. human).

When we risk sharing ourselves with another person, and can accept their real interest and care, we have a chance to absorb something that’s very different: and very important.

This is emotional change, happening at the level of heart and gut, where AI simply can’t reach.

Furthermore, the therapy relationship can become the basis for extending these healthy changes to the rest of our life.

This is a far bigger project than AI can take on.

There’s no algorithm for a human being, or human relationship where your feelings and needs come first.

There’s no digital substitute for feeling that a therapist cares about you, understands what you’ve been through, and feels the weight of it with you.

There’s no code for knowing - at heart - that your therapist is has your back and will keep standing up for what you feel and need.

A relationship with a human therapist is based not just on them drawing from years of clinical experience (from their head) but also from them caring about and investing in you, hanging in there with you, and truly wanting what is best for you (from their heart).

Let me move to a further part of schema therapy that AI cannot reproduce.  

Ever notice how validating AI is?

No matter what we share, AI is programmed to always agree with us, always affirm us.

AI is always in “customer service mode”, designed to be smooth and frictionless.

However, when we are dealing with stuck patterns in our lives – the sort that can leave us feeling hopeless and defeated – we need more than an AI bot blandly affirming us with platitudes.

Instead, to help build real change, a schema therapist needs to be willing to be uncomfortable with you.

(Bear with me.)

Creating new, healthy change isn’t easy.

Interrupting old life patterns is scary, because it means taking steps into the unknown.

In a strange way, it can feel safer to stick with what’s familiar to us, however limiting and frustrating that feels.

A schema therapist, however, sees the bigger picture of your life.

They understand where your struggle comes from.

They show you - over time - that they stand right there with you, in the struggle, and see change as possible for you.

They therefore earn from you the unique mandate to challenge you to step outside your comfort zone and take the healthy risks needed to build a better life.

Unlike an algorithm specifically created to avoid tension, a schema therapist uses the safety and strength of the therapy bond to help you build a more authentic and connected life.

They act as the grit in the oyster, interrupting old patterns so that something new and healthy starts to form.

When a human therapist thoughtfully, sensitively and empathically challenges you, it’s because they have decided to put you first.

They advocate for the parts of you that might be unseen or unnoticed, that deserve a chance to be nurtured.

They push you to stop doing things that hurt you or get in your own way, and instead help you to create new life patterns, where your needs can be met.

They show you, session after session, that they are fiercely on your side, invested in what’s best for you, even when that’s not the easy option.

They recognise when you need to withdraw and be supported and comforted, and when you’re ready to stand tall and walk out further into health and change.  

To sum up: it’s an old idea in psychology that relationships are where we find the healing we need.

This concept is still around for good reason.

I’m confident the helping relationship will continue to survive, even as AI becomes an increasingly sophisticated tool.

There’s no code or algorithm for a real human relationship, where we are truly seen and our needs are put first.

And if you’d like to get in touch with me, to explore whether you and I could establish a relationship to address your difficulty, please use the button below.

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